This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
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the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
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And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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