So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
