Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
