what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
