this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
