just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
