you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
two words...techno handjob
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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