We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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