Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
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If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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