Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
