VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He felt like a one man threesome
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
