I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
