he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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