This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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