Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
