I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
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With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
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Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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