i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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