you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
