I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
