he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
