i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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