So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
