I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
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despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
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Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire