you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
