so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
