xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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