If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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