Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
