Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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