New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Randomize
