Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
