ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
