My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
