Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
