he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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