____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Randomize
