I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
