she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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