I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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