where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
