i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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