What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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