I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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