OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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