I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
