he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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