some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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