Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
