your room smells of hookers.
And success
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
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I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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