She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
