Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
this is an emotional support booty call
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
