he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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