im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
