I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Dicks are not precious.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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