sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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