Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
