Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
