its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
