i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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