i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
