he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
