Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
